Ministry programs support separated and divorced Catholics

By Mary Ann Wyand

Like spring, life after divorce is a process of rebirth and renewal, Marilyn Hess explained, and the Church is offering several opportunities for separated and divorced Catholics to work through their grief and grow in faith during May, June and July.

“People who are going through divorce are grieving but may not realize it,” said Hess, who is associate director of the archdiocesan Office of Family Ministries.

The loss of a spouse, whether through death or divorce, requires time to grieve, she said, as well as help finding ways to sort through hurt feelings and shattered dreams.

“The process of divorce is traumatic for families,” Hess said. “There are feelings of loss on a lot of different levels. There are also grief issues around spirituality and how one belongs to the Church as a divorced Catholic. It’s not a sin to be divorced. It is a time when people have questions about their faith and need safe places to be able to ask them and to explore their feelings.”

She said divorce ministry programs presented by dioceses, parishes and Catholic organizations offer new beginnings for people whose lives have changed drastically.

These programs also function as support groups, Hess said, by helping separated and divorced Catholics realize that other people have similar experiences and feelings.

“There is light at the end of the tunnel,” she said. “The pain isn’t going to last forever. While their life has changed, it’s not without hope. They will heal and recover and find a new ‘normal.’ Being with other people who are going through divorce—and listening to their experiences and how they have moved forward—gives them hope.”

Hess said divorce ministry programs were held at the Oldenburg Franciscan Center in Oldenburg, St. Mark the Evangelist Parish in Indianapolis, St. Pius X Parish in Indianapolis and St. Malachy Parish in Brownsburg earlier this year. An eight-week “Divorce and Beyond” program started on April 10 at the Terre Haute Deanery Pastoral Center in Terre Haute.

She said two divorce ministry programs begin in May at St. Bartholomew Parish, 1306 27th St., in Columbus and St. Barnabas Parish, 8300 Rahke Road, in Indianapolis.

“Divorce Care,” an eight-week program for men and women sponsored by the St. Bartholomew Parish Nurse Program, is scheduled from 7 p.m. until 9 p.m. on Mondays from May 7 through July 2 in Classroom 3 on the lower level of the church. For more information, call Rebecca Sullivan, parish nurse coordinator, at 812-379-9353, ext. 333.

“Divorce and Beyond,” a six-week program for men and women in the mourning stage of divorce, will be offered by the Office of Family Ministries at St. Barnabas Parish from 7 p.m. until 9 p.m. on Thursdays from May 24 through July 5. For more information, call 317-236-1586 or 800-382-9836, ext. 1586.

“Water in the Desert,” a three-day international conference sponsored by the North American Conference of Separated and Divorced Catholics, is scheduled from July 5 through July 7 at the University of Notre Dame in northern Indiana.

Conference workshops include “Hope and Healing,” “Spiritual Development,” “Forgiveness,” “Helping Children Cope with Divorce,” “Living Joyfully,” “How to Choose Healthy Relationship Partners,” “The Annulment Process” and “Remarriage.” For registration information, call the University of Notre Dame’s Center for Continuing Education at 574-631-6691 or e-mail cce@nd.edu.

“It’s important for people who are going through divorce to know where they can get help,” Hess said. “The divorce affects families, particularly the children, but also the grandparents. It’s hard to watch people you love suffer, and there are many secondary losses. People who are going through divorce are grieving a lot of losses.”

Benedictine Sister Mildred Wannemuehler, a member of Our Lady of Grace Monastery in Beech Grove, recently moderated “Blessed Brokenness,” a morning of reflection for separated and divorced Catholics, at St. Pius X Parish in Indianapolis.

“You probably are some of the most compassionate people around,” Sister Mildred said, because of pain experienced by separation and divorce.

“None of us is an island,” she said, “and we can’t pretend to go through life by ourselves. Sometimes it takes the hard things to make us realize that we need other people. It’s OK to be in pain, … and it’s good for us to be here to feel the support and the love of each other.”

To begin healing, she said, “the first thing you have to do is own your feelings.”

But feelings change when you don’t expect it, Sister Mildred said. “That’s true in any loss.”

Citing Elisabeth Kübler Ross, a noted researcher who wrote about the five stages of grief in her best-selling book titled On Death and Dying, Sister Mildred said emotions affect how people react to losses.

Everybody grieves differently, Sister Mildred said, but three basic steps can help grieving people begin to cope with their loss and start the long journey toward healing—acknowledging the loss, telling your story to others and expressing your emotions.

“You’ve got to recognize them,” Sister Mildred said. “You’ve got to grab them, you’ve got to embrace them and then work through them. I’m not telling you anything you don’t know, but I think sometimes it’s good to hear it once more and in the presence of other people.”

It’s important to take time to write down “feeling words” that express the stages of grief, she said. “They form stepping stones [in the grief journey].”

It’s also important to focus on the positive aspects of daily life, Sister Mildred advised. “You have to have faith and believe in those blessings. If we can think about the blessings in our life, it really makes a difference.” †